Category: Anxiety

Self-Sabotage

A few weeks ago a colleague and I bonded over discussing Rumi, the 13th Century Persian Poet-Scholar. She has been studying Rumi with members of her Persian community and I have been introduced to his writings and poetry through my personal study on Acceptance and Healing. We (and millions of others) were drawn to Rumi’s words and poems because he captures the essence of emotions through several written gems. I call them gems because when I read them, they illuminate an experience in me that perhaps has been hiding under denial, pain, or masked by other emotions. Uncovering pain is also a gem to me because it highlights how much someone cares and how much their values mean to them.

Earlier this week, she lent me the book, “Silent Words” with hundreds of pages of poems and pieces by Rumi. I flipped through a few pages and found the following gem. “Fearfully, I was stealing from my own gold.” In the poem, Rumi is expressing his experience with doubting his wise friend and spiritual instructor, Shams. By doubting and challenging his wisdom, Rumi says, “Fearfully, I was stealing from my own gold.” It’s that cringe-worthy memory that shows up any time you realize, “‘so and so’ told me this would happen. ‘So and so’ was so right about this and I didn’t listen. The doctors told me this would happen, etc, etc.” I’m sure we could come up with hundreds of scenarios that get triggered by this gem. “Fearfully, I was stealing from my own gold.” I swear, the more times I say it and write it out, the more powerful it becomes. To me, this message and gem is about Self-Sabotage and how at times, we create barriers for the life we want to live.

I define Self-Sabotage as engaging in behaviors or thoughts that move us away from our goals, values, happiness, progress and ultimately, well-being. Giving in to negative thoughts and core beliefs also contribute greatly to Self-Sabotage. What’s important to know about giving in to deeply ingrained negative thoughts and core beliefs is that more times often than not, they are wildly inaccurate. We might have adopted a negative self view of ourselves as children or other painful experiences in which we might not have had a complete perspective, control, or facts and we internalize them as an absolute truth. Giving in to those thoughts and core beliefs takes away from our happiness. It’s stealing from our own gold!

Self-Sabotage and “stealing from your own gold” is also behavioral. For me, it entails those times in which I overeat in an unhealthy way. It entails crossing my own boundaries, such as overworking, over-committing, procrastination, or convincing myself that I don’t need exercise or a day off. I think any fellow workaholic can relate to this.

For others it might be not following a medication regimen, skipping out on doctor appointments, not meeting deadlines, or poor work performance. It means doing things that get in the way of self-care, progress or happiness.

The role of self-sabotage in relationships can be significant. It might look like an inability in trusting others (who are safe to trust), engaging in inappropriate, unbalanced or unhealthy relationships, having unhealthy boundaries, or even avoiding connections.

Stealing from your own gold also encompasses suppressing or over acting on emotions in an ineffective way, which can cause problems in your work, school, or home life. This might look like yelling or lashing out in the workplace; threatening others; not asking for help; or having unfair expectations of others — including loved ones co-workers, teachers, or the general public.  Engaging in such behaviors can cause problems for us in reaching our goals. It can impede 1) having a good relationship with our child’s teacher; 2) being evaluated well in our performance evaluations; 3) having a serene home environment.

One of my favorite sources of research and inspiration is this little cataloging website called Pinterest.com. When I did a search for self-sabotage it pulled up an overwhelming selection of quotes and messages. Among the best in describing self-sabotage were:

  • “Don’t stand in your own way.”
  • “Get off your but.”
  • “Self-sabotage is about wanting something so bad and making sure it doesn’t happen.”
  • “She didn’t know who would leave or stay. So she pushed them all away.”
  • “I’m afraid of what I’m doing to myself, but I can’t seem to stop.”
  • “Stop hurting yourself because you are angry at someone else.”
  • “Do not sabotage your new relationship with your old relationship’s poison.”
  • “We accept the love we think we deserve.”

Impressive and overwhelming list of quotes right? I know. They resonate with a feeling of dis-control that’s linked to hurtful experiences, and actions that we engaged in. I know.

So what do we do about self-sabotage? Below is a list of different recommendations and techniques that I have found to be extremely helpful in identifying self-sabotage and chipping away at it. By no means do I think that these are easy tasks. You should know that it can be a painful process in the beginning, especially if hurtful memories or trauma comes up for you. And some days might be better than others for you to be able to turn your cycle in the opposite direction.  However, please don’t underestimate yourself and your capacity for self-kindness and resilience. (*I also want to be clear that I recognize the role of systemic and societal barriers on our psychology and negative thought process. That conversation, however, is a much more complicated topic and post that, well, yes, I will have to write in the future. You have my word.)

Breaking the Cycle of Self-sabotage
  1. Recognize and acknowledge your self-sabotaging thoughts or behavior. This is a pivotal first step in making a change. Identify your behavior that is getting in the way of a goal you have for yourself.
  2. Observe the negative thoughts that are going through your mind. You can write them down if you want. Think about those one-liners that go through your mind as soon as you decide to go in the direction AWAY from your goal. What are you saying to yourself, about yourself, about others, the situation, the future?
  3. Challenge or evaluate these specific, situational thoughts. Think of evidence for and against it. Is there a more positive way in which you can think of this? Are you taking into consideration ALL perspectives? Are you being unfair with yourself? What would you be saying to yourself if you were being kinder? Or better, what would you tell someone close and who you love if they were in your shoes? Is the thought related to a fact? If it is, evaluate how HELPFUL or USEFUL  the this thought or fact is in your life? Just because it might be true, does not mean you have to adopt it and live your life according to it. Write the new, more positive, true and feel-good thoughts on a card, write in on your Notes app, or take a picture of it and look at it repeatedly for daily reminders. Make a pinterest board out of them (I swear, I’m not affiliated or get paid by Pinterest).
  4. Make a commitment to doing one thing, one action that’s in the direction of your goal. Even if it’s small. In fact, the smaller, the better because it’s more likely to be attainable.

These are small, yet meaningful steps that you can take to break the cycle of self-sabotage. If you’re finding yourself having a difficult time following these steps, go ahead and google ‘Cognitive Behavioral Therapy’ (or go to www.academyofct.org), or even on Amazon. There are tons of amazing self-help books on changing thoughts, feelings and behaviors — all related to defeating self-sabotage and negative thinking.

I think it’s only fair that I also share with your some quotes from Pinterest that to me, help with reversing the Cycle of Self-sabotage. Among my favorites are:

  • “Slay your stress monster”
  • “When you let go, we create space for better things to enter your life.”
  • “I will not feel deprived when I bypass junk food, I will feel empowered that I made a healthy choice”
  • “Remember that you are doing the best you can in THIS moment.”
  • “You are worthy, You are worthy of love, happiness and your own forgiveness.”

Feel free to follow me on Instagram @mendingrootstherapy for inspirational quotes and other musings on mental health and wellness.

Lastly, if you would like a free 15 minute consultation to discuss your situation and if you would benefit from individual therapy, feel free to email me at info@sofiamendozalcsw.com.

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When a Parent or Loved One Goes to Jail

How do I tell the children their parent or loved one went to jail? 

Book Review: The Night Dad Went to Jail by Melissa Higgins

Dad went to jail

The Night Dad Went to Jail is a children's book has been on my radar to check out for a long time since I come across several children and teens whose parent went to jail. Having a parent or loved one go to jail can be extremely traumatic and jarring for most children. It's a big transition that can come with confusion, shame, fear, worry and sadness. This book does a really nice job of normalizing the feelings that children have when faced with this difficult situation. I like that it also folds in statistics about parents in jail/prison and recommendations for the person reading the book to the child.

Another positive aspect of the book is that it incorporates interactions with police, social workers, therapists, and a caregiver -- all supporting the child. Additionally, the book is written in the first person, the eyes of this young bunny. It very much reads like a narrative that is often used in Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavior Therapy (TFCBT) -- an exposure based trauma treatment where children and teens draw or write out the details of their trauma and work with their therapist to modify negative thoughts or beliefs about the event, themselves or their future. As a certified TFCBT therapist, it was heartwarming to read this book which provides great information, recommendations, and above all, providing normalization for kiddos' and their parents' reactions in the face of such a challenging situation.

What to say: Depending on the child's age and their level of understanding, you will have to craft out an explanation in their own language or phrasing. Most children know about cause and effect, so keeping it as simple without too many details of the actual crime could suffice in the beginning. A sample explanation can be: "Your mom or dad (or the name of the loved one) may have broken the law (or rules) and the police are asking him/her questions. Sometimes these things take a while -- maybe some days, maybe months. If mom/dad/loved one broke a rule/law, we might not see them for a while. Depending on the developmental stage the child is in, sometimes they believe that they are at fault or to blame. Make sure to reassure the child that adults are responsible for their own behavior. You can also distinguish the behavior from the character of the person if necessary. Such as, "Mom/dad/loved one is not a bad person, he/she broke a rule/law. He/she loves you very much and misses you too." Encourage them to talk with you about their fears, concerns, or any thoughts and feelings they might be having. Above all, be willing and open to listening to them and validate their feelings (even if their thoughts might be distorted). Employ the "yes, and" communication rule in your vocabulary to help them see the validity of their emotions, and how sometimes they can be clouded by negative thoughts. An example can be, "I know that you're sad and feeling guilty about this being your fault, and mom/dad/loved one is an adult and all adults are responsible for their own behavior."

Therapist tip: Sometimes children have a hard time opening up about a certain situation, feelings, or distressing topic. It can help to have a story read, told to them, or even watching a movie about another person going through the same or similar situation. It can get the very difficult conversation started.

Amazon Prime tip: If you have Amazon Prime, currently this book is listed as an unlimited free read and download on the Kindle app. That's how I read it. But since I liked it so much, I'm going to buy it and keep it in my arsenal of books in the office.

If you believe that you or your child is struggling with a transition such as this one, feel free to contact me and we can set up a consultation session to discuss the specifics of your situation and how to tailor interventions.

 

To purchase or download the book for free, click on the image below:

 

 

*Disclaimer: I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. You should also know that I stand by my recommendations as I read or use everything I recommend. The fees earned from Amazon.com go toward purchasing more books and materials used in my practice. 

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