Category: Beginnings

SMART Intentions

 

Happy New Year! On January 1, most Americans vow to make some sort of New Year Resolution, behavior change, or as I’d love for you all to call them, “SMART Intentions.” As a therapist and someone who believes in recovery and change, I couldn’t be happier about someone making positive changes to their lives. With every new year comes a rise in reflections and a joyous hope for a better year than last. Unfortunately, when studied (even anecdotally when I think of my own resolutions), most New Year Resolutions get abandoned by the end of January. Some say it’s because it takes a full 30 days to create a new habit, while others say that people aren’t making realistic goals for themselves.

As a cognitive behavioral therapist, I’ve implemented the SMART method to goal planning with clients and even myself. The SMART method to starting out your intentions sets up for success, rather than failure. I like the word intention because it is defined as “a mental state that represents a commitment to carrying out an action or actions in the future. Intention involves mental activities such as planning and forethought.”[1] I also like Intention because, in my opinion, it brings in the compassion in language that is very much needed when introducing behavior change.

SMART Intentions

Specific – You want to be very specific about your intention.

  • Example: lose weight

Measurable – Your intention must be measurable with numbers.

  • Example: “I intend to lose 10 lbs.”

Achievable – Your intention must be the right combination of challenging and achievable. Select something that you’re motivated to do and not too extreme.

  • Example: A healthy weight loss is between 7-10% for most people who are considered overweight. For people who set the bar too high, might get discouraged when their goal number is far from reach or the results are not fast enough.

Realistic – Select your intention based on your established resources, environment, support, etc.

  • If your goal is to run outside once a week, and it’s rain season, it’s probably not too realistic. Likewise, if going to gym requires a membership you can’t afford or too far from your home/work, it’s likely not a realistic intention.
  • Realistic example: For this week, I will intend to meet my 9,000 (up from 8,000) step count daily.
  • Realistic example: I will drink 8 glasses of water (instead of juice) by joining the water club at work where I will have access to water at all times.

Time-limited or think “Time-line.” – When will it be achieved by? Start off small and realistic given the above factors.

  • Example: I intend to lose 10 lbs (7% of my weight) by June 2018 (6 months from today). First week of January, I will do this by adding more vegetables to my lunches and dinners.
  • Second week of January, I will do this by increasing my steps to 9,000/day.
  • Third week of January, I will do this by joining the water club and drinking 8 glasses of water (instead of my usual soda).

Fun Fact: When I was taking my first CBT seminar (as a student), I had to create a SMART goal for myself. I said I would workout 3x/week… it was specific and measurable, but definitely not attainable or realistic given my workload and schedule.

Try this with setting one intention for yourself this week. You can also set an intention for your partner, best friends, co-workers, family members and even pets. The possibilities are endless!

I urge you all to be kind to yourselves as you’re embarking on this journey of reflection and self-improvement. And even if you get stuck, or walk in the opposite direction of your intention (which is super normal in most journeys), notice where you and your emotions are at in that moment (mindfulness practice), and dial back to your intention with the compassionate heart that encouraged you to make this change to begin with. Change your SMART intention if you need to, aren’t being challenged enough, or it’s too hard, or not realistic anymore. And lastly, if you’re the Long Beach area and need help in coming up with intentions for yourself and don’t know where to start, give me a call for a free 15 minute consultation at (323) 351-1741 to discuss your situation and schedule a first session for you.

My SMART intention for my website is to post at least 1 blog article per month (or 12 for the year). I will do this by posting draft articles/titles the minute I get an idea. I will spend 2 hours/week researching, writing and editing.

So, what’s your SMART Intention for 2018?

 

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Self-Sabotage

A few weeks ago a colleague and I bonded over discussing Rumi, the 13th Century Persian Poet-Scholar. She has been studying Rumi with members of her Persian community and I have been introduced to his writings and poetry through my personal study on Acceptance and Healing. We (and millions of others) were drawn to Rumi’s words and poems because he captures the essence of emotions through several written gems. I call them gems because when I read them, they illuminate an experience in me that perhaps has been hiding under denial, pain, or masked by other emotions. Uncovering pain is also a gem to me because it highlights how much someone cares and how much their values mean to them.

Earlier this week, she lent me the book, “Silent Words” with hundreds of pages of poems and pieces by Rumi. I flipped through a few pages and found the following gem. “Fearfully, I was stealing from my own gold.” In the poem, Rumi is expressing his experience with doubting his wise friend and spiritual instructor, Shams. By doubting and challenging his wisdom, Rumi says, “Fearfully, I was stealing from my own gold.” It’s that cringe-worthy memory that shows up any time you realize, “‘so and so’ told me this would happen. ‘So and so’ was so right about this and I didn’t listen. The doctors told me this would happen, etc, etc.” I’m sure we could come up with hundreds of scenarios that get triggered by this gem. “Fearfully, I was stealing from my own gold.” I swear, the more times I say it and write it out, the more powerful it becomes. To me, this message and gem is about Self-Sabotage and how at times, we create barriers for the life we want to live.

I define Self-Sabotage as engaging in behaviors or thoughts that move us away from our goals, values, happiness, progress and ultimately, well-being. Giving in to negative thoughts and core beliefs also contribute greatly to Self-Sabotage. What’s important to know about giving in to deeply ingrained negative thoughts and core beliefs is that more times often than not, they are wildly inaccurate. We might have adopted a negative self view of ourselves as children or other painful experiences in which we might not have had a complete perspective, control, or facts and we internalize them as an absolute truth. Giving in to those thoughts and core beliefs takes away from our happiness. It’s stealing from our own gold!

Self-Sabotage and “stealing from your own gold” is also behavioral. For me, it entails those times in which I overeat in an unhealthy way. It entails crossing my own boundaries, such as overworking, over-committing, procrastination, or convincing myself that I don’t need exercise or a day off. I think any fellow workaholic can relate to this.

For others it might be not following a medication regimen, skipping out on doctor appointments, not meeting deadlines, or poor work performance. It means doing things that get in the way of self-care, progress or happiness.

The role of self-sabotage in relationships can be significant. It might look like an inability in trusting others (who are safe to trust), engaging in inappropriate, unbalanced or unhealthy relationships, having unhealthy boundaries, or even avoiding connections.

Stealing from your own gold also encompasses suppressing or over acting on emotions in an ineffective way, which can cause problems in your work, school, or home life. This might look like yelling or lashing out in the workplace; threatening others; not asking for help; or having unfair expectations of others — including loved ones co-workers, teachers, or the general public.  Engaging in such behaviors can cause problems for us in reaching our goals. It can impede 1) having a good relationship with our child’s teacher; 2) being evaluated well in our performance evaluations; 3) having a serene home environment.

One of my favorite sources of research and inspiration is this little cataloging website called Pinterest.com. When I did a search for self-sabotage it pulled up an overwhelming selection of quotes and messages. Among the best in describing self-sabotage were:

  • “Don’t stand in your own way.”
  • “Get off your but.”
  • “Self-sabotage is about wanting something so bad and making sure it doesn’t happen.”
  • “She didn’t know who would leave or stay. So she pushed them all away.”
  • “I’m afraid of what I’m doing to myself, but I can’t seem to stop.”
  • “Stop hurting yourself because you are angry at someone else.”
  • “Do not sabotage your new relationship with your old relationship’s poison.”
  • “We accept the love we think we deserve.”

Impressive and overwhelming list of quotes right? I know. They resonate with a feeling of dis-control that’s linked to hurtful experiences, and actions that we engaged in. I know.

So what do we do about self-sabotage? Below is a list of different recommendations and techniques that I have found to be extremely helpful in identifying self-sabotage and chipping away at it. By no means do I think that these are easy tasks. You should know that it can be a painful process in the beginning, especially if hurtful memories or trauma comes up for you. And some days might be better than others for you to be able to turn your cycle in the opposite direction.  However, please don’t underestimate yourself and your capacity for self-kindness and resilience. (*I also want to be clear that I recognize the role of systemic and societal barriers on our psychology and negative thought process. That conversation, however, is a much more complicated topic and post that, well, yes, I will have to write in the future. You have my word.)

Breaking the Cycle of Self-sabotage
  1. Recognize and acknowledge your self-sabotaging thoughts or behavior. This is a pivotal first step in making a change. Identify your behavior that is getting in the way of a goal you have for yourself.
  2. Observe the negative thoughts that are going through your mind. You can write them down if you want. Think about those one-liners that go through your mind as soon as you decide to go in the direction AWAY from your goal. What are you saying to yourself, about yourself, about others, the situation, the future?
  3. Challenge or evaluate these specific, situational thoughts. Think of evidence for and against it. Is there a more positive way in which you can think of this? Are you taking into consideration ALL perspectives? Are you being unfair with yourself? What would you be saying to yourself if you were being kinder? Or better, what would you tell someone close and who you love if they were in your shoes? Is the thought related to a fact? If it is, evaluate how HELPFUL or USEFUL  the this thought or fact is in your life? Just because it might be true, does not mean you have to adopt it and live your life according to it. Write the new, more positive, true and feel-good thoughts on a card, write in on your Notes app, or take a picture of it and look at it repeatedly for daily reminders. Make a pinterest board out of them (I swear, I’m not affiliated or get paid by Pinterest).
  4. Make a commitment to doing one thing, one action that’s in the direction of your goal. Even if it’s small. In fact, the smaller, the better because it’s more likely to be attainable.

These are small, yet meaningful steps that you can take to break the cycle of self-sabotage. If you’re finding yourself having a difficult time following these steps, go ahead and google ‘Cognitive Behavioral Therapy’ (or go to www.academyofct.org), or even on Amazon. There are tons of amazing self-help books on changing thoughts, feelings and behaviors — all related to defeating self-sabotage and negative thinking.

I think it’s only fair that I also share with your some quotes from Pinterest that to me, help with reversing the Cycle of Self-sabotage. Among my favorites are:

  • “Slay your stress monster”
  • “When you let go, we create space for better things to enter your life.”
  • “I will not feel deprived when I bypass junk food, I will feel empowered that I made a healthy choice”
  • “Remember that you are doing the best you can in THIS moment.”
  • “You are worthy, You are worthy of love, happiness and your own forgiveness.”

Feel free to follow me on Instagram @mendingrootstherapy for inspirational quotes and other musings on mental health and wellness.

Lastly, if you would like a free 15 minute consultation to discuss your situation and if you would benefit from individual therapy, feel free to email me at info@sofiamendozalcsw.com.

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Hello and Welcome!

Hello and welcome to my practice page. I’m super excited to be embarking on this new journey of my practice website. I intend to post about different ideas, observations, books, and interventions that surround the themes of mental healthiness and well being.

Thank you for visiting!

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