Tag: Acceptance

‘First Gen’ Compassion To-Say List

The term “First Gen” has become both a compassionate term of endearment and a resounding validation of experience. First Gen refers to First Generation – being the first in the family become a naturally born citizen in the United States. In my office, it also means First generation to take A.P. classes in high school, go to college, and/or become a professional. The experience of First Gens is a unique one that many can’t relate to which can leave First Gens feeling alone, misunderstood, with an incredible pressure to succeed in every life domain, and an underlying fear of being an imposter through it all. Today, I’m focusing on the themes that have come up in my First Gen therapy sessions, clinical supervision, and heart-to-hearts with the comadres and how compassion heals.

I take a radically open approach that incorporates acceptance and self-compassion. In my opinion, these are the hardest skills and concepts to continually practice, and yet, they’re the best ones for ultimate healing. The concept of the to-say list came from my First Gen clients. First Gen Professionals love them their To-Do lists. It’s what got them through high school AP classes, college and thriving in their professions. I #jokenotjoke that Self-Compassion and Acceptance skills need to be permanent items on the Daily To-Do list, and to add a dramatic flare, in the morning, noon, and night rows!

Acceptance as a skill is super important because one is accepting reality (whether current or in the past) as it is, “tal y como es.” This might mean accepting the emotion or struggle you’re experiencing. Acceptance helps in reducing our suffering because once we accept and let go of the struggle, we remove the internal tension and effort it takes to deny, avoid, or fight against it.

Self-compassion is the right hand to Acceptance in that, when used, it will save the day in a way that provides genuine self-comfort and validation. It should not be confused with praise or affirmations stating you’re “Amazing and gorgeous, strong beyond measure who can rock any hurdle that comes along.” It is a genuine effort to remind yourself of everything you’ve been through while taking it easy on yourself. It’s acknowledging that what’s hard is hard and you’re worthy of love and healing. I tell my clients that self-compassion is like giving yourself the same gentle care that you would to a hurt child, kitty or puppy who is scared, hurt and tattered. You would likely (if you’re a child or animal lover) clean the injuries up very gently, speak in a kind and low tone, and walk them through exactly what’s going to help heal them (putting this medication/ bandaid on you, taking you to the doctor, I know it hurts. I know you’re scared. Let’s feed you some food and help heal you).

Check out the First Gen Compassion To-Say List below and see if any resonate or are useful to you. I started with a validation statement. Threw our parents’ struggle in there, along with a little something on Love Languages. There’s a nod to the other side of “being independent” and asking for help. Imposter syndrome also makes an appearance, along with helping behavior being a compensatory strategy, and being enough exactly how you are. And it ends with self-care and healing as an individual and also as a community.

 

 

If you find yourself being intrigued by Acceptance and Self-Compassion Topics, I strongly urge you to check out my most favorite authors and books on the topic (the links below are Amazon affiliate links, which means that I earn a small commission from books purchased with these links):

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Grieving after an Affair

Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D wrote the amazing guide book, “After the Affair” (this is an affiliate link) for couples struggling after an affair. She is able to break down such complex dynamics that occur in a relationship and/or in an individual when an affair occurs. She labels the partner who didn’t cheat as the “hurt partner” and I love that she does so because underneath the anger, frustration, rage and other emotions, at the very core it is hurt that they are experiencing. Spring points out that these partners are not only going through betrayal, but also a sense of loss of self when a partner cheats. In this short article, I want to focus on the marvelous job she did with highlighting the losses that can come up for many hurt partners when there has been infidelity (but seriously, go get the book. I don’t do this topic the justice Dr. Abrahms Spring does). Additionally, I’d also like to point out that partners are  not the only ones who experience grief and pain when there is infidelity, children of partners who engage in adultery might also experience a lot of these losses when they find out about it. I’ll add my ideas about children’s reactions to each identified loss.

The following are 9 losses that Janis Abrahms Spring highlights:

# 1: Loss of Identity. When people first find out that their partner has been unfaithful a typical response is to feel as though they have lost a part of their identity or basic sense of who they are. For example, if a someone believed that we were the sun and the moon to their partner, or completely respected by them, an affair can trigger lots of confusion about who they think their partner is, and consequently, who they are to their partner. “If you are not who I thought you were and who I believed loved and respected me, then who am I to you?”

#2: Loss of Sense of Specialness.  Similarly to #1, a loss of sense of specialness can occur as well. An affair can signify a major discrepancy in what the partner thought they had in a “happy marriage” or union. It can mark a betrayal of sacred vows and “oneness” that are hallmarks in committed relationships. Additionally, for children, an affair can also be interpreted as the parent “not loving us enough” and betraying the whole family, not just the partner.

#3: Loss of Self-Respect for debasing and compromising self for the relationship. In this loss, some people might feel as though they lost self-respect due to comprising their worth by engaging in extreme behavior non-typical to win the offending partner back or keep the relationship from ending. Examples can include, changing their appearance to win their partner back (extreme weight loss, wearing different types of clothing, or excessive exercising to lose weight).

#4: Loss of Self-Respect when denying signs of Infidelity.  After an affair is out in the open, the hurt partner may start having flashbacks about red flags they denied or even knowing that the affair was taking place, but did nothing about it, confront it or turn a blind eye. Someone experiencing this should know that from a trauma perspective, this makes sense since your brain is trying to protect you from experiencing pain, therefore avoidance of a very painful fact can be quite common. For children, they may take on the burden of keeping this “secret” if they know or feel as though they are responsible to “fixing” the problem. Tip: when talking to children about this, always make sure to they hear from the adult that what adults do is never their fault. Adults are responsible for their own actions, even though those actions might not always be right.

#5: Loss of Control over own thoughts and actions. This is a big one for anyone after experiencing betrayal in a relationship. You might be feeling out of control with your thoughts going a mile a minute or experiencing flashbacks of memories or images of the betrayal. Having a partner who has cheated can be very traumatic for many. Therefore, a normal reaction of the body after experiencing a traumatic event is for it to get ready to fight or flee. Because the body might be trying to protect you and getting you ready to “fight or flee” you might be experiencing body aches, insomnia, paranoia about your partner’s whereabouts (or who they are talking to), sadness, muscle tension, feeling physically ill (headaches, stomach aches, pounding heart, hot flashes). Abrahms Spring highlights even having thoughts of revenge or acting in ways that are not typical for you might come up. In children, we see that when they are going through a stressful time, they will act out physically with peers, are highly irritable, and even withdraw from peers.

#6: Loss of sense of Order/Justice. For some, an affair can trigger a sense that there is no order or justice in the world. Lots of “should” thoughts/statements might come up, such as, “I’m a good person. This should not have happened;” “This isn’t  fair;” “I kept my vows. There is no justice in this world;” “Why do bad things happen to good people? I’m a good person.” “How unfair that I will never love or trust again.”

#7: Loss of Religious Faith. Piggy backing from #6, some people might also begin to feel a loss of religious or spiritual faith. Spring recalls some of her clients saying, “If God loves me, how could he do this to me?” It is normal for someone experiencing betrayal to question fairness and justice, especially from a higher power during such a devastating time.

#8: Loss of Connection with Others. Because some people might be struggling with shame, embarrassment, fearing ridicule, or even extreme guilt, they might be withdrawing from close family and friends. Abrahms Spring does a really great job of highlighting what loved one of the couple might be going through when they hear about the affair. She normalizes the loss of connection with others either due to the hurt partner’s isolating themselves while they deal with these losses, or even because sometimes loved ones simply don’t know what to do or how to respond to such a crisis. Although, she also points out that the hurt partner might also be withdrawn from others due to holding this secret in and even protecting their partner who cheated. This point applies to children as well since they too can attempt to protect parents during times of grief. They might also feel disconnected because they are as they are probably not engaging very much with family or friends due to parents staying away from functions.

#9: Loss of sense of Purpose. The last loss she mentions is the loss of sense of purpose. When the grief is most severe, she highlights that some people might spiral into a deep depression where they questions their sense of purpose and finding it hard to live with the pain of the betrayal. If you or someone you feels as though “living feels more painful” it’s a big sign that professional help might be needed.

I strongly urge everyone who is grieving after an affair to pick up the book, “After the Affair.” It’s comprehensive and non-judgmental. It’s completely revolutionized the way I think about affairs and has helped me understand the complicated dynamic that occurs before, during and after infidelity.

As with any type of grief, it’s important that we acknowledge the feelings that come up during difficult times and talk to people who understand what this process is like. Having your emotions validated and normalized can make a world of difference in your healing process.

Resources:

If you feel triggered by this article and are in need of some immediate resources, I urge you to contact:

  • 911 or go to your nearest ER if you feel you a danger to yourself or others
  • 211 – in LA County it’s the social service directory for grief groups, therapy resources, housing, and more. It’s also online, google, “211”
  • LA County Access hotline for a psychiatric evaluation wherever you are located. The ACCESS/HOTLINE Phone number is : 1-800-854-7771. ACCESS operates 24 hours/day, 7 days/week as the entry point for mental health services in Los Angeles County.
  • Email me at info@sofiamendozalcsw.com if you’d like to inquire about an appointment with me in the Long Beach area. I can also help connect you to other therapists if you live elsewhere.
  • If you would like to access your insurance mental health benefits, there should be a Member Phone number on the back of your insurance card. Ask them for their list of approved therapists. They can also email it to you, making it easy to cross reference the list on www.psychologytoday.com where you can check their profiles out.

Thank you for reading. Follow me on Instagram under @mendingrootstherapy to get updates about new articles, quotes and other musings on mental health.

*Disclaimer: I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com. You should also know that I stand by my recommendations as I read or use everything I recommend. The fees earned from Amazon.com go toward purchasing more books and materials used in my practice. 

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Self-Sabotage

A few weeks ago a colleague and I bonded over discussing Rumi, the 13th Century Persian Poet-Scholar. She has been studying Rumi with members of her Persian community and I have been introduced to his writings and poetry through my personal study on Acceptance and Healing. We (and millions of others) were drawn to Rumi’s words and poems because he captures the essence of emotions through several written gems. I call them gems because when I read them, they illuminate an experience in me that perhaps has been hiding under denial, pain, or masked by other emotions. Uncovering pain is also a gem to me because it highlights how much someone cares and how much their values mean to them.

Earlier this week, she lent me the book, “Silent Words” with hundreds of pages of poems and pieces by Rumi. I flipped through a few pages and found the following gem. “Fearfully, I was stealing from my own gold.” In the poem, Rumi is expressing his experience with doubting his wise friend and spiritual instructor, Shams. By doubting and challenging his wisdom, Rumi says, “Fearfully, I was stealing from my own gold.” It’s that cringe-worthy memory that shows up any time you realize, “‘so and so’ told me this would happen. ‘So and so’ was so right about this and I didn’t listen. The doctors told me this would happen, etc, etc.” I’m sure we could come up with hundreds of scenarios that get triggered by this gem. “Fearfully, I was stealing from my own gold.” I swear, the more times I say it and write it out, the more powerful it becomes. To me, this message and gem is about Self-Sabotage and how at times, we create barriers for the life we want to live.

I define Self-Sabotage as engaging in behaviors or thoughts that move us away from our goals, values, happiness, progress and ultimately, well-being. Giving in to negative thoughts and core beliefs also contribute greatly to Self-Sabotage. What’s important to know about giving in to deeply ingrained negative thoughts and core beliefs is that more times often than not, they are wildly inaccurate. We might have adopted a negative self view of ourselves as children or other painful experiences in which we might not have had a complete perspective, control, or facts and we internalize them as an absolute truth. Giving in to those thoughts and core beliefs takes away from our happiness. It’s stealing from our own gold!

Self-Sabotage and “stealing from your own gold” is also behavioral. For me, it entails those times in which I overeat in an unhealthy way. It entails crossing my own boundaries, such as overworking, over-committing, procrastination, or convincing myself that I don’t need exercise or a day off. I think any fellow workaholic can relate to this.

For others it might be not following a medication regimen, skipping out on doctor appointments, not meeting deadlines, or poor work performance. It means doing things that get in the way of self-care, progress or happiness.

The role of self-sabotage in relationships can be significant. It might look like an inability in trusting others (who are safe to trust), engaging in inappropriate, unbalanced or unhealthy relationships, having unhealthy boundaries, or even avoiding connections.

Stealing from your own gold also encompasses suppressing or over acting on emotions in an ineffective way, which can cause problems in your work, school, or home life. This might look like yelling or lashing out in the workplace; threatening others; not asking for help; or having unfair expectations of others — including loved ones co-workers, teachers, or the general public.  Engaging in such behaviors can cause problems for us in reaching our goals. It can impede 1) having a good relationship with our child’s teacher; 2) being evaluated well in our performance evaluations; 3) having a serene home environment.

One of my favorite sources of research and inspiration is this little cataloging website called Pinterest.com. When I did a search for self-sabotage it pulled up an overwhelming selection of quotes and messages. Among the best in describing self-sabotage were:

  • “Don’t stand in your own way.”
  • “Get off your but.”
  • “Self-sabotage is about wanting something so bad and making sure it doesn’t happen.”
  • “She didn’t know who would leave or stay. So she pushed them all away.”
  • “I’m afraid of what I’m doing to myself, but I can’t seem to stop.”
  • “Stop hurting yourself because you are angry at someone else.”
  • “Do not sabotage your new relationship with your old relationship’s poison.”
  • “We accept the love we think we deserve.”

Impressive and overwhelming list of quotes right? I know. They resonate with a feeling of dis-control that’s linked to hurtful experiences, and actions that we engaged in. I know.

So what do we do about self-sabotage? Below is a list of different recommendations and techniques that I have found to be extremely helpful in identifying self-sabotage and chipping away at it. By no means do I think that these are easy tasks. You should know that it can be a painful process in the beginning, especially if hurtful memories or trauma comes up for you. And some days might be better than others for you to be able to turn your cycle in the opposite direction.  However, please don’t underestimate yourself and your capacity for self-kindness and resilience. (*I also want to be clear that I recognize the role of systemic and societal barriers on our psychology and negative thought process. That conversation, however, is a much more complicated topic and post that, well, yes, I will have to write in the future. You have my word.)

Breaking the Cycle of Self-sabotage
  1. Recognize and acknowledge your self-sabotaging thoughts or behavior. This is a pivotal first step in making a change. Identify your behavior that is getting in the way of a goal you have for yourself.
  2. Observe the negative thoughts that are going through your mind. You can write them down if you want. Think about those one-liners that go through your mind as soon as you decide to go in the direction AWAY from your goal. What are you saying to yourself, about yourself, about others, the situation, the future?
  3. Challenge or evaluate these specific, situational thoughts. Think of evidence for and against it. Is there a more positive way in which you can think of this? Are you taking into consideration ALL perspectives? Are you being unfair with yourself? What would you be saying to yourself if you were being kinder? Or better, what would you tell someone close and who you love if they were in your shoes? Is the thought related to a fact? If it is, evaluate how HELPFUL or USEFUL  the this thought or fact is in your life? Just because it might be true, does not mean you have to adopt it and live your life according to it. Write the new, more positive, true and feel-good thoughts on a card, write in on your Notes app, or take a picture of it and look at it repeatedly for daily reminders. Make a pinterest board out of them (I swear, I’m not affiliated or get paid by Pinterest).
  4. Make a commitment to doing one thing, one action that’s in the direction of your goal. Even if it’s small. In fact, the smaller, the better because it’s more likely to be attainable.

These are small, yet meaningful steps that you can take to break the cycle of self-sabotage. If you’re finding yourself having a difficult time following these steps, go ahead and google ‘Cognitive Behavioral Therapy’ (or go to www.academyofct.org), or even on Amazon. There are tons of amazing self-help books on changing thoughts, feelings and behaviors — all related to defeating self-sabotage and negative thinking.

I think it’s only fair that I also share with your some quotes from Pinterest that to me, help with reversing the Cycle of Self-sabotage. Among my favorites are:

  • “Slay your stress monster”
  • “When you let go, we create space for better things to enter your life.”
  • “I will not feel deprived when I bypass junk food, I will feel empowered that I made a healthy choice”
  • “Remember that you are doing the best you can in THIS moment.”
  • “You are worthy, You are worthy of love, happiness and your own forgiveness.”

Feel free to follow me on Instagram @mendingrootstherapy for inspirational quotes and other musings on mental health and wellness.

Lastly, if you would like a free 15 minute consultation to discuss your situation and if you would benefit from individual therapy, feel free to email me at info@sofiamendozalcsw.com.

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